On Apologies

I think a lot of us apologize poorly. I’m starting out a little bluntly, but there you have it. The art of an apology seems to have gotten lost in our modern world. Too often the words “I’m sorry” are thrown about without any thought to what is being apologized for or who’s fault it actually is and reasons for why it was excusable are thrown on top of that. In then end, someone has been wronged and no one has taken responsibility. That’s a problem.

Let me take a break here and say that I am the queen of this kind of apology. I have a lot of pride and have a very difficult time admitting when I’m wrong. There’s “It’s not really my fault” or something along the lines of “He started it” or the ever popular “He’s wrong and I’m right and that’s all there is to it.” This is something I’ve recognized in myself and need to take steps to correct. While I’m educating my self on the proper apology, I’ll educate all of you as well.

Is an Apology Really Necessary?

If you have to ask that question, the answer is probably yes. You should apologize even if you’re not 100% in the wrong. It’s important to recognize and acknowledge what you did wrong even if the other person never does. Be the bigger person… or something like that.

It’s also probably better to apologize before you get caught. Many people are much more forgiving when you come to them first. Try to leave as little time as possible between the realization that you’ve done something wrong and the apology.

What Do I Say?

First, take responsibility. Acknowledge what you did and how it hurt the other person. Avoid the word “you” and focus on “I”. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” is waaaaay better than “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Avoid excuses or justifications. Even if there were valid reasons for what you did, they don’t matter. A reasonable person on the other side will eventually see where you were coming from. If they don’t, you’ve still done the right thing. Bigger person, remember?

Next, express regret. Something has gone wrong and another person is hurt. It’s at least partially your fault. That’s a bad thing. Make sure they know you realize this.

Lastly, express a desire and willingness to change. Tell them you’re going to take steps to make sure this won’t happen again.

Most importantly, be genuine and sincere. Most people can see right through a fake apology and it will usually make things much worse.

In The End…

Be prepared for things to still be awkward. Sometimes the other person will apologize in return, you’ll hug and things will be all happy, happy, joy, joy. Sometimes all you’ll get is “Well… thanks” and a blank stare. Sometimes they’ll still be angry with you and start in on a tirade about how horrible you are. Be prepared for any eventuality and know that you’ve done the right thing.

Do you have any tips for making an apology? Ever heard a great one that made you feel better?